Monday, March 5, 2012

Ashes to Ashes

Ashes to Ashes

Being in the Province of Titanuranus Press Office is like being in the TV show  'Ashes to Ashes'.

It is a sheltered workshop for has-been journalists who are all labouring under the misapprehension it is 1981.

It is rare indeed to find one that knows anything about politics.

The exceptions are all serving time.

As a rule they are clueless and witless.

They are good at Scrabble.

But Scrabble is interrupted every afternoon around 4.30 while they gather together to play a different game.

That game is called 'What will be on the front page tomorrow?'

Billion Dollar Babies
It is rare indeed for any of them to get that right either.

The main function of the Province Press Office is putting out press releases.

Nobody reads these archaic, turgid offerings except the opposition and a handful of lazy journalists looking for a line to fill up a story.

The only time they attract any real attention is when they stuff up.

This is one of those times.

They are about to send out a press release that is not just smoke and mirrors.

Not just gilding the lily a bit.

It is a blatant porky and it is titled "Billion Dollar Babies"

The Premiere arrives
after inspecting asbestos
All they are waiting for is the 'tick off' from the Premiere who is returning from inspecting an asbestos ridden building.

The Premiere's white cane can be heard tapping the walls of the hallway.

There is an air of expectancy.

The press release is in response to opposition claims the government had some how managed to flush one billion dollars down the toilet.

The press release is the most fanciful piece of fiction ever concocted.

It is read out almost sermon like to the Premiere who is nodding furiously.

They did not flush the billion dollars down the toilet it states.

They 'invested it' in health.

Some Smart Alec ...
Some smart Alec in the office has a hard copy and has scribbled 'bank cheque' style "Null and Void" all over it.

The fact is that during the period in question the Premiere was in fact the Health Minister.

The Health Minister did a fantastic job of keeping health off the front page.

As the former Premiere of the Province of New Wales, Morris Yemen, stated "If you want to fix the health system you will need to spend the entire budget on Health.

Keeping it off the front page is the main game.

Keeping health off the front page does not come cheap.

It costs money.

All problems must be stamped on immediately.

This means bloating the Health dept with bureaucrats.

Not ordinary bureaucrats either.

Expensive ones!

No one in Titanuranus can run a hospital apparently.

They must come from another Province or another country even.

And their girlfriends must come too!

The Health Minister's 
Resident GP
The Ministerial Office is no different.

It is bloated beyond belief.

It is so bloated there is a dedicated General Practitioner on staff.

This comes in handy as many of the Ministers and their staff suffer from gout due to all the good living.

Having a GP on hand to write out scripts save hobbling to the medical centre.

According to the press release the real evil here is the completely out of the blue Goods and Services Tax Receipts and Province Tax Revenue surprise.

We have even gone as far as to stand in front of an angry mob and liken Titanuranus to Greece and Italy before being booed off stage.

Such a press release is usually backed up with a doorstop press conference.

Tattoo and Steady
The first question as per usual is from Tattoo.

Tattoo is from the Province run News Agency Northern Cross.

Tattoo is well known in Titanuranus for pointing to the sky and yelling out "the plane! the plane! the plane! 

Tattoo is from the Peter Gilligen school of journalism -  
"This fantastic news for Titanuranus Premiere - would you like to embellish?"

Tattoo's only question is "How would you like me to present this one Premiere?

The Premiere tells him to sort it out with 'Steady'.

Steady and Tattoo like to go 'exploring' together down at the beach.

The doorstop continues.

The Premiere's White Cane
Journalists are wary of the Premiere's white cane as they ask one disturbing question after another.

In relation to: 

The 12 Year Old Girl Strip Search Disgrace.

The Great Kangaroo Point Oval Swindle. 

The Great Police Boat Scandal. 

The Integrity Shop Fiasco. 

The 12 Year Old Girl
Strip Search Disgrace
The Planning Day Rort.

The Forestry Round Table Debacle.

The Snouts in the Trough Legislation Outrage.

The Great Community Cabinet Confidence Trick.

The Cover Up.

The list goes on.

The Premiere is forced to prevaricate.

To each question the Premiere answers "I cannot see that. I cannot see that at all".

The Province Press Office is not alone in being stuck in 1981.

The Premiere is firmly entrenched in 1981 as well.

The white cane is waved about and the Premiere proclaims "It is all the fault of Facebook".

The Premiere is clearly having an ongoing struggle with reality.

Gene Hunt and Alex Drake
Rescue the Premiere 
Luckily Gene Hunt and Alex Drake arrive and disperse the press scrum.

Gene tells Steady to run off and write the 'State of the Province' speech.

"That should be good for a laff" he says.

"Who would have thought that a pollie with so much promise would turn out to be such a failure?" Gene asks Alex.

"Never did set the house ablaze that one" replies Alex.